3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
