I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
