i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
