You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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