I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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