I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
