I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
