pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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