Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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