People in love make me want to vomit
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.