My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
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im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
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Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween