i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.