those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
