The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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