If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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