And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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