My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
