Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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