Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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