The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Text me some of your sweat
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
