My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
