I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
