He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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