I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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