I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
