never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
