I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
