Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
