garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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