you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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