I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My life is pants optional.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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