You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
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