I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
