yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
