just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
