Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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