How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
