Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
