im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
