3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
