quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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