i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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