i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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