I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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