saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I am midnight drunk by noon
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
