I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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