Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
