Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
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I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
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did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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