I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
