Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
