There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
