My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
