we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
