someone owes me an orgasm
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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