I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
