I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
