Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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