This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
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i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
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I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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