Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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