I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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