allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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