I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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