No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
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Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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