I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
