Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
