So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
