The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
