I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I cockslap morals
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
