Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
