Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
